Pancakes That I Didn't Make


Photo: M.J. Chung

Part of the Invisible Diaries series:

Week 10 / Day 5

Week 10 / Day 4

Week 10 / Day 3

Week 10 / Day 2

Week 10 / Day 1

Introduction

Part of me wishes I wrote these entries by hand first rather than typing from scratch. I’ve deleted my first sentence half a dozen times, not really sure of how to frame today’s happenings. And I laugh at myself desperately trying to find a theme or an arc to trace. Sometimes I wish I could turn the dramaturgy part of my brain off, as it easily seeps into my every day. Sometimes there is no amount of ‘aha!’s or ‘I wonder if…’s that can pose satisfying solutions.


This is a time where there are fewer answers than questions. As I move and make, as artist, scholar and organizer, I feel myself at odds: questioning how and where I show up, being pulled between what I should be doing and what I want to be doing. The ‘now more than ever’s are weighing on me. These thoughts swirl harder today, as all these liminalities collide in a single day of meetings, advocacy, research and more.


Context is queen for dramaturgs, but I wonder what breath and newness we can find in resisting analysis as our default ‘must do.’


I can sit and work and push my way through the to-dos that a past Yasmin committed to (usually with pretty good reason); but, in taking a pause, I feel the tingles of burnout. Pain sits low in my back. I’m grumpy. I haven’t washed my hair for a hot minute.


So, I try another new thing, and decide to tally my day – task by task, as they happened. I’m leaning into the laundry list.


Editorializing will be reserved for the DMs (yes, they’re open):