Pancakes That I Didn't Make


Part of the Invisible Diaries series:

Week 10 / Day 5

Week 10 / Day 4

Week 10 / Day 3

Week 10 / Day 2

Week 10 / Day 1

Introduction

Part of me wishes I wrote these entries by hand first rather than typing from scratch. I’ve deleted my first sentence half a dozen times, not really sure of how to frame today’s happenings. And I laugh at myself desperately trying to find a theme or an arc to trace. Sometimes I wish I could turn the dramaturgy part of my brain off, as it easily seeps into my every day. Sometimes there is no amount of ‘aha!’s or ‘I wonder if…’s that can pose satisfying solutions.


This is a time where there are fewer answers than questions. As I move and make, as artist, scholar and organizer, I feel myself at odds: questioning how and where I show up, being pulled between what I should be doing and what I want to be doing. The ‘now more than ever’s are weighing on me. These thoughts swirl harder today, as all these liminalities collide in a single day of meetings, advocacy, research and more.


Context is queen for dramaturgs, but I wonder what breath and newness we can find in resisting analysis as our default ‘must do.’


I can sit and work and push my way through the to-dos that a past Yasmin committed to (usually with pretty good reason); but, in taking a pause, I feel the tingles of burnout. Pain sits low in my back. I’m grumpy. I haven’t washed my hair for a hot minute.


So, I try another new thing, and decide to tally my day – task by task, as they happened. I’m leaning into the laundry list.


Editorializing will be reserved for the DMs (yes, they’re open):


up

leftover pancakes (that I didn’t make)

two cups of coffee, owl mug

first theatre history column editorial meeting

stretch

emails

washed produce

chopped produce

sautéed produce

Hoodoisie Teach-In logistics meeting 1

snack

Instagram

language justice in the digital age research

texting the boo

Hoodoisie Teach-In technical director call

emails

social media sharing of #InvisibleDiaries (hi)

sent tweet, first time mini-mini-viral on theatre Twitter

Hoodoisie Teach-In logistics meeting 2

checked physical mail

opened packages (thanks, mom)

hung up new art prints

call with dad

text with mom

snack

Hoodoisie Teach-In logistics meeting 3

pasta sauce

housing discrimination research

pasta

Instagram

dishes

new play development Zoom

emails

washed hair (finally)

texting the boo

pasta

quick call with a mentor

trauma-informed journalism research

snack

quick text with a mentor

prep for morning call on writing for an anthology

checked on a pending arts journo pitch

more curly hair care

Instagram

diary

down.


Yasmin Zacaria Mikhaiel (she/they) is a Chicago/Austin-based dramaturg, journalist, and oral hxstorian. Their multi-disciplinary work as a queer, fat, brown, femme endeavours to amplify and archive stories that go lost/stolen/forgotten. Select bylines include essays and arts criticism with American Theatre, Chicago Reader, Windy City Times, Rescripted, The Austin Chronicle, and Sightlines. They are currently pursuing an MA in Performance as Public Practice at the University of Texas at Austin.

Learn more at www.yasminzacaria.com and follow them on Twitter/IG @yasminzacaria.

Photography is courtesy of the author.

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